Ditch the Facade: Be Kind, Not Nice

“Kindness is not a word that spontaneously comes to mind when we think of business,” write William Baker and Michael O’Malley in their book Leading with Kindness. “Its acceptance as a workplace virtue is made more quaint by salient experiences we have all had with loathsome, capricious bosses who somehow manage to escape detection and, inexplicably, ascend the corporate ladder. The quality we have singled out for study, then, is not an obvious one.” In their book, they discuss how kindness can motivate employees, create a supportive work environment, foster organizational growth, help adapt to change, and more.

Indeed, kindness is highly valued in the work environment. However, it differs from niceness, as Tessa West notes in her TED Talk, “The Problem with Being Too Nice at Work.” Dr. West, a social psychologist, researches social perception at New York University.

“In uncomfortable social interactions, we often don’t have a social script of what to do,” Dr. West notes in her TED Talk. “Instead of telling people what we really think, what we really feel, we do the nice thing that makes us incredibly uncomfortable.” 

In her talk, Dr. West recounts a study she did at a major firm in which employees engaged in a negotiation with a clear winner and loser. In the study, she asked the winner of the negotiation to offer some feedback to the loser of the negotiation. It turns out that the winner of the negotiation opted to “layer on the compliments” to the loser, as she explains, rather than to provide constructive feedback on ways to improve their negotiation skills. This outcome exemplifies the “anxious niceness” that Dr. West says is a hindrance to work relationships and productivity.

It is important to distinguish between kindness and “anxious niceness” in the workplace. We always want to make sure we are acting in ways that help us get towards our professional goals that also uplift our teammates and coworkers. Kindness can be a tool to help your organization to do more while also being able to manage otherwise uncomfortable work situations. (If you’re interested in getting more done and ruthlessly prioritizing meaningful action at work, check out Qeap.)

When we are genuinely kind at work, and communicate directly and honestly in ways to help our teammates, this reduces the risk of burnout. When we work smarter, not harder, this prevents overwork and burnout. As Kersemaekers and colleagues write, burnout can affect both work productivity and overall well-being.

Keep reading for more about the difference between kindness and “anxious niceness,” and concrete ways to be more kind at work to boost productivity, work relationships, and more.

The difference between being kind and being “nice”

So, what is the difference between being kind and “nice”? Kindness is authentic and meaningful and stems from genuine concern for others, while niceness is focused on promoting superficial harmony over constructive feedback and authentic connections. 

Kindness has many different facets, such as empathy and sympathy; moral reasoning; and social responsibility, writes Constance Lawrence in her Ed.D. thesis on workplace kindness. Empathy and sympathy enable a coworker to understand teammates’ circumstances and need, while moral reasoning involves being objective while distinguishing right from wrong. Lastly, Lawrence defines social responsibility as understanding one’s role in the ethical framework of society. Work from Hashim and colleagues (2022) corroborates this observation.

Kindness is multifaceted and focused externally, while “anxious niceness” is driven by an internal need to make things seem pleasant, if only as a façade.

Perhaps that is why being "too nice" at work, driven by anxiety and social discomfort, can undermine professional relationships and personal well-being.

Where kindness promotes personal growth and builds trust, using empathy and clear communication, niceness is superficial and avoidant, and can stem from a desire to keep everyone comfortable, potentially at the expense of addressing underlying issues or providing necessary feedback.

Lawrence states that kindness can lead to better employee well-being and increased productivity, with people wanting to come to work and who work with a sense of “operational integrity and efficiency.”

Being kind at work helps regardless of where you are on the food chain 

No matter your level of seniority, you can always be more kind at work. The success of your organization may depend on it – in some areas of work, such as healthcare, rudeness can actually lead to dangerous errors and stress and burnout among workers. Research also shows that “kindness to and from bosses, colleagues and subordinates…predicts happiness at work.”

Managers can be more kind by providing constructive feedback, even when it feels unpleasant, and by providing support.

• Kind manager: A manager provides specific, constructive feedback to an employee on their project, helping them understand areas to improve and ways to develop new skills.

• Nice manager: To avoid addressing the performance problems a struggling employee may be having, a manager simply says “it’s fine” or “keep up the good work,” without offering actionable feedback or any real support.

Team members can improve organizational dynamics by candidly discussing their thoughts and feelings, even if it means respectfully disagreeing with coworkers.

• Kind team member: A team member openly discusses thoughts and feelings about a project, even if it means they disagree with a colleague respectfully and empathetically.

• Nice team member: Instead of disagreeing with their colleague, a team member avoids expressing their true opinions to avoid potential conflict.

Bosses can be kinder leaders by being honest and encouraging.

• Kind boss: A boss is direct and honest with the team to ensure that goals are being met.

• Nice boss: A boss sugarcoats their words, even when something is not being done well, to avoid confrontation and maintain a pleasant environment.

Ways to Be More Kind and Less “Nice” at Work

There are many ways to be more kind and less “nice” at work. Below, we review a few of these methods, backed by evidence.

Practice Simple Acts of Kindness

Lawrence suggests simple acts of kindness in the workplace such as:

• Asking “how are you today?”

• Smiling

• Active listening

• Offering help

• Saying hello

She also highlights the importance of emotional intelligence, which involves perceiving, managing, and understanding emotions. In the work environment, this can factor into work relationships.

Staying in touch with colleagues is a form of relationship management that can be useful. Regular check-ins and updates, seeking reciprocity, and initiating personal contact are all ways to stay in touch with colleagues in a way that promotes kindness. Building trust is also an important part of work relationship management, which can be done through showing interest, empathy, and support. 

Deborah Kerr, who studied workplace kindness at Royal Roads University in Canada, concluded that kindness could be “a catalyst to make significant positive organizational change” that can enhance quality of life and the workplace environment in general.

Say “No” More

Saying “no” can help you protect your time and boundaries, but it can involve a lot of anxiety. Many individuals struggle with saying no due to underlying anxiety and social discomfort. The fear of disappointing colleagues, damaging relationships, or appearing uncooperative often drives people to overcommit themselves. This "anxious niceness" can lead to burnout, decreased productivity, and resentment.

Here are a few strategies to say “no” more so you can have time to say “yes” to your most crucial tasks:

• Be Clear and Direct: When declining a request, communicate your decision clearly without ambiguity. For example, say, “I’m sorry, but I can’t take on this project right now.”

• Offer Alternatives: If possible, suggest another way to help. For instance, “I can’t assist with this task, but I can help you find someone who can.”

• Use the "Sandwich" Technique: Frame your refusal between two positive statements. For example, “I appreciate you thinking of me for this. Unfortunately, I’m unable to help at the moment. Let’s discuss how I can support you in the future.”

• Prioritize Your Commitments: Understand your workload and priorities. Saying no becomes easier when you’re clear about your responsibilities and limits.

Saying no comes with many benefits. You may find your focus improved when you decline non-essential tasks, since you can concentrate on your primary responsibilities, leading to better quality work. Setting boundaries also reduces stress and prevents burnout, fostering a healthier work-life balance. Lastly, colleagues are more likely to respect your honesty and reliability when you communicate your limits effectively.

Creating a Culture of Honest and Constructive Communication

Another place where kindness wins over niceness is in giving and receiving feedback. Overly polite or vague feedback can hinder growth and improvement. When feedback lacks specificity, it can leave both the giver and receiver uncertain about expectations and areas for development.

Here are some helpful tips for giving and receiving feedback to help create a positive workplace culture of direct, constructive communication and improved workplace kindness.

Effective Techniques for Giving Feedback

• Be Specific: Focus on particular behaviors or outcomes. Instead of saying, “Great job,” say, “Your presentation was well-structured and the data you presented was very clear.”

• Use the SBI Model (Situation-Behavior-Impact): 

  • Situation: Describe the context. “During yesterday’s team meeting…”

  • Behavior: Detail the specific action. “…you interrupted several times while others were speaking.”

  • Impact: Explain the effect. “…which made it difficult for team members to share their ideas.”

• Balance Positive and Constructive Feedback: To cultivate a more supportive environment, acknowledge strengths while addressing areas for improvement.

Receiving Feedback with an Open Mind

• Listen Actively: Pay full attention without interrupting. Show that you value the feedback by maintaining eye contact and nodding.

• Ask Clarifying Questions: If something is unclear, seek clarification. For example, “Can you provide an example of how I can improve in this area?”

• Reflect and Act: Take time to consider the feedback and develop a plan for implementing changes. Demonstrating a willingness to grow reinforces your commitment to professional development.

Creating a feedback-friendly culture takes time and effort, but it is possible. Encourage regular feedback and lead by example, with leaders modeling effective feedback practices. Build an environment where team members feel safe giving and receiving honest feedback without fear of judgment or repercussions.

Qeap Can Help You Be More Kind and Less “Nice”

Qeap emphasizes a structured, action-oriented approach to achieving goals through its 13-week program, focusing on intentionality, prioritization, and meaningful action.

Qeap's principle of "bias for action" encourages deliberate steps toward meaningful outcomes rather than superficial gestures. It teaches participants to focus on what truly matters by saying "no" to less important tasks. Qeap's tracking mechanisms, such as the "action score," encourage accountability and reflection on progress. 

Kindness at work benefits from this level of intentional follow-through—ensuring actions align with long-term goals and genuine care for colleagues rather than fleeting niceties.

By applying Qeap's principles, individuals can shift from passive niceness to active kindness, creating a more authentic and impactful workplace environment. Get started with Qeap here.